A vacuum within me...

A vacuum exists in the deepest trenches of my mind,
The best of my thoughts are born here,
The worst of my worries are bred here,
Nevertheless a ray of hope of undying optimism,
Shakes me from a futile slumber,
To tell me let empty spaces linger on,
But never to sink in those trenches of revulsion...

To the one...

To the one who stood by me,
To the one who but lost track of self,
To the one who gave me:
A world of books, love and dejection,
Reveries of rapid tears and tingling laughter,
Refined thoughts and measured words,
Calm composition and untold hope...
I but now halt and share a thought,
I remember thee for all done and left unsaid,
In honest joys and distress tears..

July

Sour moments are but what you started off with,
In the rain and sunshine you bonded with me,
When my wall friend was all then I had.
You smiled at me with a wink in your eye,
 Hugged me with an undying reassurance,
 To soothe my low lying spirits.
When rains bid a goodbye,
Memories of loved ones was but very strong,
You enlivened me by giving me hope of sunshine; a new day to come.
I hear those lucid whispers always,
No darkness can be timeless,
No pain can be endless...
What shall I give back for all the love and hugs,
What shall I give back for all the hope and reassurance,
Oh...my dear...JULY.

Alien and Lost

Battered and Shattered when she lay on the bare ground,
All she could sense was a numbness foreground.
When the void feeling within was yet unresolved,
There came more dejection from the abode of hope,
Quiet, grieved when thoughts of despair lingered on,
She wished not to be alien to herself too long...far from being able to hold on...

Page 3 to Page 1

                              The title talks about pages 3 to 1 bt it is more than that...its like a chapter in my life...I saw the movie Page 3 which i wanted to watch since long time though...it is one of the most beautiful movie i have ever seen...in love,sex,sarcasm...in hatred,vengeance,rivalry...in personal and political life...i got a picture of the real world...the real me who flows in the river of life. 

                              When i see these things what i feel is there is nothing to regret...i was regretting till now though...i am what it is the real, sans bound...the selfish political person...but one single change...i stopped thinking. I see what i am and what the world i perceive...SORRY...what it is...the reality... i have no regrets, im not restless...i embrace these pages of my life which the world eggoned me over years to adapt to with full heart...because every time i realise i am what i see around...it makes me feel yes...my humanity lies in a dying state.Question 1.Should i avoid that realisation or work on it? I got one answer from that dying humanity of mine what next...sitting in the ivory towers and saying i lost humanity, people should do sth, hold accountable somebody, be responsible, should fight...how? Only by discussion or sth more...I felt that is what at least all do. What next? Something concrete has to be done not to save my humanity bt just that i dont want to feel shit at the end of my life...when i lie in between those wooden sticks/coffin/electric hut...or whatsoever to feel I did everything for myself.My career,my ambition,my joys...no...im not against it...im greedy like any human...job,love,joys all...but how long...Next 6 months is a crucial time...its not about academics...my intuition says so...Im figuring out how? I saw a guy  in my university fell from bike fully injured they asked a guy coming on another bike for help...he said he doesnt have time. It is expected what i did. I dont blame the guy for not doing that bt i felt the graph of humanity is upside down. A dog which made my hostel its home was beaten up until it bled to near death...I guess the life graph of that dog was strong so it lived and recovered...bt what is so bad in it...Girls who never liked these dogs who spoil the hostel by spilling garbage (even i was pissed up with them for doing that)...were just standing and clapping and laughing while the dog was harshly treated...If dog had a vocal cord so strong like us it would have said...U people who laugh do u know how much it pains...when blood spills and my stomach pains do u know how much it hurts? I think today why... i though didnt take part in clapping and laughing...I was silent..somehow i felt its a dog...na? or i felt why should i when no one takes initiative? See i told I am in the flow the way the world is flowing...

Unconditional love is what i cherish even now

I was thinking and i was questioning myself how could i ever perceive something in a narrow way...as confining what surrounds me to mockery, trickery, selfishness etc etc...how could i forget about a significant component called love...defining it or measuring  is the last thing to do...as every individual is unique so is the perception about love...it differs from person to person...i do not talk about a platonic love or the bond between a man and woman which can and cannot take the route of sensual pleasures and find its symbol in procreation...i talk about something different...where there is no demand...no compulsion...mother's love is a symbol of such unconditional love...but what i talk is not about family bonds...my blood relations...but the experience of unconditional love from a non family member. I felt it when i was 17 and it continues to this day...a letter written to me by my peer was of a feeling of walking side by side...of family care...of plunging into darkness to spread light and of confidence in a relationship...i was feeling so good reading through those lines...and when that letter ended what my mind was expecting that came about...it read From a brother whom you never had...that feeling was inexplicable...it was a moment of unconditional love and too from someone of my peer group. The feeling was expected but those words were like rivers of happiness...of untold joys...to this day that unconditional love i cherish...I do not know whether the same reciprocal feeling comes from the other side of the picture...that whether he feels the way i feel today...i do not know what turn things might take later but that made a lasting impact...it does not matter what the other person feels but me as a person i felt something i cannot explain in years to come...i experienced unconditionality and that too not for momentary solace but to cherish it for lifetime...to this day...that unconditionality continues when it is with him...I cannot call him a friend alone...the letter ended and it delegated a different meaning to a relationship...of being part of my family...yes unconditional love is what i cherish even now...

New direction

Its afternoon...a really hot afternoon...i feel like giving new direction to this blog as i do not want it to die...at least the very thought of writing something has enlivened my life always...its not a platform for solace rather a platform for expression and reflection. One thing i learned in my university life is, the more concern you show to someone or help is extended, the reaction to your action is but sheer dejection or maximum interference in your academic and personal life so as to render it troublesome. Call it envy or the like it does not matter...3 years of university life one tends to change pre-conceived notions about human beings...my seniors told so...i thought i can handle it...but its difficult...im trying still...the biggest hurdle in the way is my basic character...i tend to go out and help the very troublemakers again the  next time they ask me for help or assistance with no second thoughts...my friends say its bad...i should realise selfishness and incorporate the same...true every human being consciously or unconsciously is selfish and is a hypocrite but some things are so engraved in one's character that it is difficult to change...but i believe in something my dad used to say...u do not lose anything by helping others, keep helping for it gives you inner bliss...yes...it gives me inner bliss...but like any human being i think why it is so...people who stay with u who move close with you out of nowhere(that is my way of expressing though its a systematic process for them) behave the same way people who are totally strangers...its but human i think. i dont blame anyone. Why trouble others when they do not interfere in your personal or academic life...why so much of ungratefulness(I know reality but this question troubles me a lot so i ask it even when i know answer can never be in the affirmative)....materialism rules...questions are left unanswered...
                      Hey...all the while i forgot abt something and that is about me...im what im this is a tshirt wording...no i dont want to describe me like that...I am an unique individual like any other individual is...i tend less to identify myself as belonging to a gender and more as to belonging to the female sex of the homo sapiens. I am a student researcher and this is my fourth year in hyderabad. I have been blessed with ability to walk,talk,hear etc...at least for now...cant say forever...its all unpredictable u know...i have a very lovely sis...she is the best part of my life...this when i write i think i cried and felt sad for not getting something or someone...but was it necessary...when i didnt have much to lose...all when i came to this earth i came alone and i leave the same way...lemme think for today and follow up again tomorrow and write...

My tears

Embraced me at all times,
Weakening and strengthening me in endeavours,
Colouring my emotions with transparent delight,
You follow me from the moment born.

When adversity claims my way,
You  soothed my worries for i but just pour out.
When joys coloured my path,
You cherished them by making me feel good inside.

In moments of madness and dejection,
You made me feel light and renewed my spirits.
In thick and thin, in all seasons of life too short,
You made me know the value of your existence.

I shed you for none and everyone,
I eggoned you whence you're not willing.
In pain and grief i embraced you more,
For i was but a selfish human.

But all my life when i missed to see your value,
I look back at the folly i have done.
Then i think never to lose you for everyone,
For you should come when your value is all done.